Gather ‘round, weary shoppers, and rest with me for a moment beneath the veil of the celestial canopy, where stars twinkle like forgotten spells and the moon casts its silvery incantations upon the world. As the world around us transforms into a realm of holidays and merriment, I, a grizzled explorer of the online abyss, invite you to embark on a journey where the boundaries of conventional gifting are pushed to their limits.
In a realm where memes and mysteries converge, and the ordinary is transformed into the extraordinary by the powers of capitalism and two-day shipping, I offer you a tale. It’s a tale not of the usual gift suggestions, no, it’s a list far more peculiar, curated from the strangest bowels of the internet, where the lines between genius and madness blur into a chaotic, delightful melange. A list of odd and eccentric treasures, the kind that will have your recipients marveling, but perhaps questioning your sanity, as they revel in the absurdity of your offerings.
So, sit back in your swivel chair, let the hum of your devices fill the air with a symphony, and gaze upon the gift ideas this explorer has brought for you from the depths of the web.
Looking for more gift ideas? Check out all of Gizmodo’s 2023 gift guides.
120 Tiny Plastic Babies
Why we like it: One of the worst things that ever happened to me was the moment I realized I only have 119 plastic babies. Thank god I pay for Amazon Prime because I’m an impatient man. Here in New York City, these 120 plastic babies will ship within one day, which is perfect for all you shoppers who wait until the last minute.
Price: $16.99 Where to buy: Amazon
Why we like it: Yes, you could just keep your money in a safe or under the mattress, assuming you want your life to be miserable and sad. It’s one thing to make that choice for yourself, but it’s another to watch the people you care about languish. It’s time to step up and buy them this face bank that eats the money you feed it with way-too-lifelike movements.
Price: $16.99 Where to buy: Amazon
Umbilical cord charging cable
Why we like it: For that special someone who has everything, may I suggest an umbilical cord iPhone charger? It’s extremely disturbing to look at yes, but the good news is it also moves and throbs while it’s charging. That’s not actually good news. It costs many thousands of dollars, but can you really put a price on seeing your loved one’s eyes light up when they tear open the package?
Price: $4,169 Where to buy: Etsy
Why we like it: Sigma-Aldrich is a company that makes chemical, life science, and biotechnology products. It houses those wares on a convenient website, which, if you know where to look, has some of the strangest products I’ve ever seen on the internet at very reasonable prices. Take this synthetic heroin smell, which I presume comes in liquid form. It’s for training drug-sniffing police dogs! You can’t always get your hands on real heroin, I guess. More disturbing are some of the other scents you can pick up to train search dogs, including the smell of a drowned corpse. Yikes.
Price: $72 Where to buy: Sigma-Aldritch
PS5 Hookah Attachment
Why we like it: We’ve all been there. You’re in the middle of a late night gaming sesh, but right at the critical moment, you get the craving. You have to put down the controller and walk all the way across your house to hit your hookah. Well friend, your troubles are over thanks to this handy PS5 Controller Hookah Holder Adapter (hookah sold separately). You just strap this thing on and try not to think about what an unbelievably weird guy you are. It’s fun for the whole family.
Price: $8 Where to buy: AliExpress
Rubber Chicken Purse
Why we like it: If you’ve got your ear to the ground like I do, you know that 2024 will be a year for high fashion. Help the people on your list stay ahead of the curve with this chic rubber chicken purse, or as the sellers call it, the Henbag Handbag.
Price: $36 Where to buy: Amazon
Extremely Realistic Mask
Why we like it: I know what you’re thinking: “Sure, this list is great, but is there anything I can buy for my dad who only owns semi-realistic masks of human faces?” I’m here to say that I’m listening, I’m learning, and your concerns are valid. This year, give the gift every father deserves. You’ll have to shell out though, masks this good don’t come cheap.
Price: $894 Where to buy: Etsy
Remote-Controlled Crocodile Head
Why we like it: I would like you to know that when I typed “Remote Controlled Crocodile Head” into Amazon, this product was a sponsored result. That means enough people are looking for remote-controlled crocodile heads that sellers are paying to stand out among their competitors. Your friends and family probably have remote-controlled crocodile heads already, but in case they don’t, this one makes for a perfect gift.
Price: $19 Where to buy: Amazon
Drinking Bowl For a Chicken
Why we like it: My editor said I couldn’t make everything on this list chicken-related, which I understand, sort of. We struck up a compromise for this second chicken item for all those thirsty birds out there. Whether you’re on the farm or living it up in the big city, your chickens deserve the best, and that includes this automatic chicken drinking bowl, yours for just a few dollars. It can also be used for ducks.
Price: $3.19 Where to buy: AliExpress
David Lynch Passes You the Blunt T-Shirt
Why we like it: For the Twin Peaks fan who has everything, we bring you the David Lynch Passes You the Blunt T-Shirt. Finally, an article of clothing that matches the inexplicable cosmic horrors of the director’s mind. Would you accept the doob?
Price: $5 Where to buy: AliExpress
Emanuel Macron Toilet Brush
Why we like it: I know enough about geopolitics to understand that Emanuel Macron has some haters. Sure, here in the States, a Trump or Biden toilet brush seems like an obvious gag product, but imagining that same phenomenon in another country is hilarious to me for some reason. I recommend that you buy this for someone who is not French to maximize the context-obliterating effect.
Price: $19.79 Where to buy: AliExpress
Why we like it: We all have our struggles. For some people, the problem is a void where our giant, dump truck butt is supposed to be — and there’s no shame if someone on your holiday shopping list is one of them. That’s especially true when a prosthetic butt is just one click away.
Price: $16.90 Where to buy: AliExpress
Scale Model Jason Stathom, With or Without Tattoos
Why we like it: Every once in a while, you reach a crossroads. The choice is up to you, but whichever path you take, you know your life will never be the same. That’s how I felt when I stumbled across the “1/6 Scale Collectible VIVID VT001 Machinist 2 Tough Guy Head Sculpt Head Bust for 12’’ Muscular Body Accessory.” Do I buy this without tattoos for $60, or with the tattoos for just $6 more? I still haven’t figured it out, but I pray you can find the answer in time to wrap this gift up for the holidays.
Price: $60.98 Where to buy: AliExpress
Tiny Car Keys
Why we like it: Are you tired of scraping your knuckles trying to shove those bulky keys into your jeans pocket? Because if you’re like me, your keys are WAY too big. Finally, there’s a solution. Buy these tiny keys.
Price: $4.45 Where to buy: AliExpress
DIY Haircut Umbrella
Why we like it: This is a perfect product for that coworker who gets haircuts from his wife. Just look how happy this pixelated guy is in the stock photo! That’s because this product is convenient and fun. You’d think a gift like this might cost hundreds of dollars, but can you believe it’s yours for under $5?
Price: $2.13 Where to buy: AliExpress